Dear Amy: My husband and I have two wonderful teen daughters. They are mature, intelligent and dedicated.
I am very proud of them and want to see what they do in my life, but this is where I fear.
They grew up seeing the unhealthy dependency relationship between their father and me.
Although we are currently working towards a healthy solution, I am afraid that some damage has already been done.
Our daughters are never in danger, and as parents, we always try to prioritize their needs over our own, but I find some of my less admirable traits are self-esteem. low weight and signs of his addictive behavior in them.
I̵7;m afraid they’ll make the same mistakes and choose unhealthy habits and / or relationships.
What advice could you give them to help them realize and avoid this? I certainly hope these apples fall far from this tree.
Dear: You are not outlining the specific nature of the dynamism in your family, but I would guess some of the traits you mentioned might be appropriate for your daughter, while others are situational and learned (based on the dynamics they witnessed and absorbed in childhood).
It’s important and helpful to be as honest as possible with your teen daughters about your own mistakes, failures and weaknesses, but when it comes to parenting, “do as we say, not like we do ‘has very little utility.
If you and / or your husband are struggling with addiction, it is important that your daughter receive responsible information and support. Introduce them to a “friends and family” peer support group, like Alateen (Al-anon.org).
I think it’s important that you seek professional help on your own. The message must be, “I have sought help with my problems; I am working on my program and it is helping. “Do not conceal or discriminate against the role of therapy or support groups; these are the spinal cord.
In addition to all that is being said, it is important to listen. Your girls need to know that they can be honest with you and that you will listen compassionately and do your best to support them when they need it.
Dear Amy: My loving husband 45 years ago passed away suddenly three years ago. He is the most loving, caring person I have ever met. I have had a little daughter from my marriage before we met. He adopted my daughter and was kind to her and the son we had together.
My husband died at the age of 71. I was unable to carry on with my life. People told me he wouldn’t want me to continue with his life but he Is my life. He’s my best friend – he’s everything to me.
I often cry when I sleep.
What do I have to do now? My mother helped me the most, but she and dad were married for 63 years until she died last year. The women in our family live a long time.
I prayed all the time, and that helped, but I needed to do something else.
Can you help?
Dear: I am very sorry for your losses. Grief is the most challenging of all, because it cuts you off even the smallest joys of life in the world.
Authentic connection with others will work for you, but your grief effectively cuts you off with others.
You say prayer helps, and because you seem spiritually inclined, I recommend joining a faith community. The current pandemic has really opened up opportunities for worship, as a lot of churches have moved their services online.
Researching your question, I came across some inspirational services – all available online any day of the week. Searching the internet will get you started.
A professional grief counseling will help you a lot. Your doctor can help you connect with a counselor. Your local hospice will host live (or online) grief groups where you can connect and communicate with other grieving people. Think: Communication and community. This is the way forward.
Dear Amy: “Allergies” complain of a very serious allergy to poison ivy, often passed on to her by dogs when they rub her on the hike.
Instead of punishing the dog owners, why not ask her to take a different route?
Dear: This is actually a case of dog wagging marks. Maybe Dogs a different trail should be used.
You can email Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org or email Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.