LOVE ABBY: I have been dealing with some emotional stress for over a year. Recently I found out that my wife’s ex-lover was much more favored than me.
I understand it̵7;s not the most important thing, but it’s messing me up mentally. One reason is, a long time ago when she got drunk, she asked me why I was so small. When I came across pictures of him it all came back.
I feel we need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to get started. I know she’s going to go mad and I don’t think she’ll tell me the truth. There’s a lot going with these feelings, which is part of the reason why it bothers me so much. I probably just let it go, but it continued to haunt me.
We have been married for a long time and have talked about the problem. How do I get over this? Any help or guidance will be greatly appreciated.
DO NOT MEASURE IN ALABAMA
SEND GLASSES NOT MEASUREMENT: What exactly is the “truth” that you fear your wife will hide if you make it public? If she thinks you can’t fulfill her needs, she won’t marry you.
The question I want to answer is where are those old photos when you happen to see them. Are you looking at her belongings because you feel insecure about things other than your surgery? This needs to be discussed when you are both awake, because if you keep quiet your insecurity will only get worse. Please don’t wait to do it.
LOVE ABBY: I am a 39 year old female who has been in love for 5 years and has been married 2 times. Abby, I regret being married to this man. He’s loyal and has a good job, but he spends most of our money on food (eating at work, drinking expensive beer, buying utensils, etc.) and he is probably human. the most negative I know.
His negativity was so great, it dragged me down closer to his level than where I started when we met.
I feel trapped. I don’t want to be single at 40, and I know somewhere I love him, so I’m doing my best not to affect me much.
He just makes things miserable with his attitude. He radiated bad energy. He was pouting, furious, rude, and condescending, and everyone around could sense his bad mood. He’s only recently started therapy and I want to be patient, but I have this loop in my head – “I hate his gut!” I know that’s not true, but I’m very sorry and regretful for marrying him.
Is there anything I can do to save my marriage? Is it even worth it?
SECOND THINKING IN CALIFORNIA
SEND THE SECOND QUARTER: There’s something you can do, and I really hope you’ll remember it. Realize that “pouting, hot-tempered, condescending, and (continually) negative” are hostile and abusive.
I am very glad your husband is receiving professional help to improve his behavior and attitude. Now it’s time for you to do so. If you do, it will keep you awake and soulful. It will also give you more insight into whether or not this is worth it.
PS: Saving your marriage will have to be a joint endeavor. This is not something you can do on your own.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.